No I'm not pregnant or trying.
With that said I wanted to touch on this topic because I have been asked a lot when/if we are having another baby.
When we got married we said we would have 1-2 kids. That hasn't changed and now we are definitely in the what do we want to do stage.
Right now my main concern is my insurance. With private insurance we have to add maternity coverage one year before it starts taking effect and it is expensive! Holy up charge Blue Cross (you suck).
The other main concern is another pregnancy for me. Since they don't know why I had a pre-term labor with B they can't really say if it will happen again. I would be high risk and be monitored closely. Hormone shots would probably be necessary and any signs of something off I would be on bed rest. Bed rest with a special needs kiddo would be very hard on us.
Sometimes I think I could be perfectly happy with one child (I'm an only child) and some days I think it would be awesome to give B a sibling and expand our family. It seriously changes on a day to day basis depending on how I feel that day. Hard day,s no way we are done. And easier days, hell yeah let's have another now.
So basically when it comes to #2 we are undecided.
I know we have the added stress of raising a special needs kiddo but I hear every mom has the unsure feeling when they decide on a second.
Were you on the fence ever? How did you bite the bullet and go for it?
29 comments:
My child is not special needs, but my husband is handicapped. He is unable to help with 99% of childcare responsibilities (and cannot babysit/be left alone with our child) and also cannot help with many of the chores at home (vacuuming, yard work,etc)...thankfully we have a large support system with family here in town, but it's still been very hard on both of us. We would love to give our little boy a sibling- but I think we will wait until he's 4 or 5 and a little more independent. It's hard because most of my friends are already wanting to get pregnant again (and I LOVED being pregnant- and love being a mommy too of course), but I know it's best for us to wait. Good luck with your decision and God bless :)
I had preterm labor an 10 weeks of bed rest with my first daughter. I knew it was a risk the second time, since like you, they had no idea why I went into labor so early (26 weeks, she was born at 36) but I have a twin sister and that was the deciding factor. I wanted so badly for Lily to have a sibling. Though instill get freaked out and had the typical "how could I feel the way I do for Lily about anyone else?!" Feelings. I was monitored closely, it was a completely different pregnancy and our second daughter was a week late! Ha! And when she came, I immediately knew she was meant for our family. The girls are almost 3 and 14 months and though sometimes it's stressful it is amazing! Just like web you adjust from no baby to first baby... You h e a period where you figure out how to make it work then it's your new normal. A few weeks after our second it felt normal and we couldn't remember whatnot was like with only one! Ha! Good luck!!!
Nothing wrong with being undecided. Or just having one. I can't tell you how much shit I get for NOT having another one. Ugh.
I'm always on the fence honestly. I always said I wanted 2 kids. I had my first born in 2004 and was preggo again in 2008.... with twins! Only having 2 kids was shot straight out the window with that surprise! Now my son is in heaven and I know that my husband would LOVE to have another boy, but since we aren't able to make that decision, I'm just not sure that I want to have anymore. I go back and forth almost daily. I'd love to have another cuddly baby, but my body despises being pregnant. I can only imagine how tough the decision is for you guys. I think B would definitely love a sibling and you guys make some beautiful kiddos!!!
I totally know the feeling. When I got pregnant with the triplets, everyone "assumed" we were "done" just because we were having three at one time, and I was so like, "No, this will NOT be my only pregnancy!!" Even though I had pre-term labor, and every issue known to man while being pregnant, I still wanted another. And then Emily came along, very unexpected, and even though I WASN'T ready to be pregnant when the girls were only 4 months old, we wouldn't change it for the world now. I love the even number of 4 (because with triplets including a set of identicals, I felt the fraternal was left out!) and now she has a buddy too! I think one of the best gifts you can give your child is a sibling. But either way, B will be happy no matter what! Don't stress yourself out, if it happens it happens!
My daughter is not special needs and we go through the same emotions of "good day, lets have another", "bad day, no way!"
That's totally normal. I'm also an only child so I feel like it'd be ok to just have one...but at the same time I'm just not sure!
As you may have read, I already have two. My second is the one with cp. But I always wanted 3 or 4 kids. I, like you, on good days want three still and on bad days think we are done. All over, I know we'll still have another, I don't know when. But I've always wanted more than two, and growing up was envious of big families and how close they were. I've never met a family with a special needs child where the other child isn't the most loving sibling ever. I think having another would help B tramendously and also help you later on in life. Just my opinion.
I always said that I only wanted one child, a boy, and that if I had a girl first, I would go ahead with having a second to try for a son.
We had our son first, though, so I was perfectly content with having just one child. However, God had other plans for us when He gave us our "Unexpected Blessing".
I was so anxious the entire second pregnancy, worried how we would be able to afford daycare for two since I'm a working mom and daycare for one alone is $110.00 weekly. I worried about lots of other things, too, but this was our main concern.
Needless to say, everything worked out as it should, and I couldn't be happier. Both of our boys are healthy & happy and I'm glad God saw fit to give us both of them. Although we weren't "planning" on two, I'm certainly glad God knew best. :)
I might be a bit behind, but I love the new layout! I don't have any babies to hand out my opinion, but I can sympathize with you on the maternity insurance. In SC, you can't even get maternity on an individual policy. I had to give up my policy to get on my husband's group policy just so we don't go bankrupt having babies!!! But anyway, for the record, I'd love to see B have a sibling. ;-)
My son turned two in July and I am to the point where I would love to have him a sibling, but I am scared out of my mind! My son was a preemie as well and with a ton of medical interventions, I made it to 35wks. We almost lost him at 20wks. I was pretty much told that with every pregnancy I would have this same problem with pre term labor (my cervix sucks and can't hold babies in) and if I did get pregnant I was to expect months of bedrest. After a lot of praying and research I found an amazing doctor who "fixed" my problem! I will not require bedrest with next baby and he has pretty much told me that I will be a normal pregnant woman. He believes that most preterm labor stems from IC (incompetent cervix). Most women don't even know they are in labor until it is too late. I had surgery in June and for the first time in a long time, I feel more at ease if I were to get pregnant again. I am NOT a doctor by any means and I don't know your particular situation, but feel so passionate about letting people know my situation and that there is a solution. If I can prevent one woman from going through what I did I will shout it from the rooftops! It might be worth a shot to talk to this doc, Arthur Haney (who is at the University of Chicago ) just to see what he says. He is one of the best doctors specializing in this surgery (transabdominal cerclage)in the world and is also a high risk specialist as well.
Medical crap aside another part of me feels guilty for wanting another child and don't want to take anything away from my son. I think all mom's go through feelings like that though! Good luck on whatever you decide!!!
I was just wondering about this the other day! I'm an only child too and Hubby wants 3. I would love a big family but the baby part? Tough! I also don't get the sibling thing when he isn't that close with his brother and never really was. He says having someone your own age to hang out with is fun.
I don't have SP kiddos, but I understand the feeling of being on the fence. I am also an only child. I think had our first been a girl we would have strongly considered having an only. My two sons are 19 months apart and the 2nd was not planned, so that's how that situation worked out for us. I miscarried #3 at 13 weeks earlier this year and now am scared out of my mind to try for another baby. The miscarriage was extremely traumatic and I'm not sure if that's something I could go through again. In any case, I think it's totally normal to go back and forth. I know we'll do a LOT of praying before deciding if we should try for another.
Can I just say that posts like this are why I have been reading your blog for years now? I absolutely adore you and your candor. Since I am not a mom myself, I can honestly say that I have no idea how difficult this decision must be for you guys. That said, earlier this year, I had a miscarriage so I can definitely relate to being undecided on whether to try again. On one hand, there are so many things to worry about...and then, on the other hand, there is so much hope.
Everyone has said to me, "you'll know." And since I don't "know" yet, I'm just sitting around, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the babymaking knowledge to be bestowed upon me. :)
Just know that whatever you decide, B is one lucky little boy to have you for a mom.
Madison is not special needs, but we went back & forth too. There are many worries about a second child. Is there enough love in your heart for 2 (answer is yes no matter what you think now). The others are will the 2nd child be like the first child or totally opposite? So if you have a well behaved, easy kid, will the 2nd be a terror? IF your 1st is a terror will the 2nd kid be the same. For you, you have the added stress of will you end up in the same situation (early delivery, tons of hospital time & another special needs kid), so I totally understand the hesitation. No matter what you choose to keep B as a only child or to give B a sibling, you are & will continue to be a wonderful & great parent!
Heather, I love your blog too. We go back and forth about another one a lot too. There is such pressure to have more than one but you have to do what's right for your family. B is lucky to have you as a mommy!
We have one and know we want another. I got pregnant in July and lost the baby in September due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was horrible. I went back and forth of whether or not I wanted to possibly go through losing another. To me, it's worth it. I love being a mom and still want a house full of babies!
Heather-Thanks for your honesty and being open about thoughts of having a second child! I have a 5 year old son who is and will be an only due to medical circumstances. We are unable to have another one and we tried to adopt but that failed. So we have decided to keep him an only child. I have great peace about this and no regrets. I do have worries that my son will feel "cheated" out of having a sibling. He nevers asks for one and seems to enjoy the one on one time he gets from dad and mom. I have a small daycare so he is around other children his age and younger all day. My questions for you as an only is did you feel "cheated" out of not having a sibling? How do you feel about being an only child? Where there certain things your parents did that helped you not so different from others with siblings? My son is the only child in his preschool class without siblings. Overall, how do you view your experience as an only child? Thanks for any insight on how to raise a happy, well adjusted only child. Michelle
Michelle, Shoot me an email. You didn't have an email link back from your comment.
livelovelaughblog@yahoo.com
Let me start by saying that I truly believe that everyone is different, regardless of similarities that may be present.
With that said, I thought I'd give you my two cents (or rather that of my parents!). My older brother was born with extremely severe Cerebral Palsy. He has truly made me the person that I am today while also shaping the lives of my entire family for the better. My parents love my brother with everything that they have and have spent every day of the last 26 years caring for him on their own. Yet to this day, my mom says that deciding to go ahead and have another child was the best decision that they ever made. It allowed them to do some of the things that they wouldn't have gotten to do otherwise--go to dance recitals and ball games, attend high school events, and enjoy having kids come home on the weekends from college. Having another child helped my parents to feel that their life was more balanced while still getting to witness the love of siblings and the amazing lessons that my brother has silently taught me over the years. I must also note that my mom says the second best decision they made was having a third child--someone for me to share in the ups and downs of having a sibling with special needs. I can't imagine my life without my amazing brother or my younger sister.
Good luck with your decision! I love reading your blog. B is such a cutie!
I have twin boys N & Z, age 2.5 who were born 10 weeks early, Baby A has CP. He is on the mild/moderate scale and does not (thus far) have any other medical needs besides PT/OT/speech (for a slight delay).
I delivered baby #3 in July at 36 weeks after 8 weeks of modified bed rest (ie i didn't have to stay "in bed" all day, I could go up/down stairs 1x per day and as such could be on the couch so I could at least interact with my boys). It was very hard to be on bed rest and not able to take care of either of my sons, but particularly N with whom I had always done his stretching/doctors appts/therapy appointments. We had to hire a sitter to come every morning (chose to obtain one who had just graduated from nursing school for extra reassurance) and take care of the boys. They had NEVER had a sitter other than my mom prior to that point. My husband starting doing his stretching and taking him to therapy. It wasn't easy, but we made it work.
I worried each day if having baby #3 was risking N's progress, and to be honest I still worry that those 8 weeks (and the 8 weeks after #3 was born while we settled into a schedule) had an adverse effect.
However, I look at my three boys and realize that such a short period of time can be forgotten/overcome easily and am grateful we went for it. I am actually ready to go for #4 (our plan was always 3-4).
They say you will never regret having another child, but may regret not having one.
Oh and (in furtherance of my comment just above) we have to use IVF to get pregnant, and have insurance coverage for it under a plan that limits our therapy sessions to 60 per year combined PT/OT/Speech. N currently gets all his therapy through early intervention so our limit doesn't matter. Once he turns three that becomes an issue since no more EI. We learned we can switch our insurance plan to one with no therapy limits, however it does not have IVF coverage. So that sort of made the decision for us, and also pushed the getting pregnant aspect a year earlier than our original plan.
Hi Heather,
I didn't read all of the comments above to see if anyone else had mentioned it, but it's entirely possible that your preterm labor was a complication of (undiagnosed) celiac. As a "practicing" gluten-freer, any underlying and unknown complications from celiac are healed. Just something to keep in mind!
We are trying to decide if we want a third child or not. It's very hard thing to decide. I've always wanted 4 and my hubs wanted 2. We agreed on 3. We had our first 20 less than 2 years apart and decided to wait awhile for the third. My daughter is now 5 in kingergarten & my son is 3. Now in not sure if I want to start all over when I've got 2 kids outta diapers that are semi independent. But at the same time I feel like I will always regret not having another. Then there's always money! I dont need to explain that 3 kids are more expensive than 2 lol.
My first 2 kids were 13 months apart, and I was done.
And then, four years later, I wanted one more. Then she was born with a whole bunch of issues, and is definitely a special needs kid.
When I found out I was (surprise!) pregnant with our 4th, when Liv was only 8 months old, I wept. I didn't know why Liv was special needs, and I didn't know how on earth I'd handle another baby and a special needs kid.
Weird thing, is, though. It just worked. I'm glad we had the fourth, because she's been the best thing to ever happen to Liv.
It's not an easy decision, for anyone, special needs parent or not. It's not like a couch. You can't return it if it's not comfy.
Hi Heather. I had my first when I was 33 and my husband 40. he was (is) such a bright light in our lives. We had tried for 3 years, so he truly was a blessing. I went without meds at his birth. Ouch. Big mistake. We were happy with one, and were figuring we'd have an only child. Almost 5 years later, we were blessed with our daughter.(epidural..YES!) If I could do it again, I would have had 2 in that time! I can't believe we ever hesitated; but we were older parents, especially with my daughter, and the whole genetic counseling can be scary! It has to feel right for you Heather, but sometimes I think we over think things, try to plan our lives out too much.
I realize you and your husband have a different situation than we do, but I think B would flourish with a sibling, and I think his brother or sister would fall in love at first sight.
I do not have a special needs child, but my little boy is 6 and is REALLY an active child :) And when I mean active, I mean goes from 0-100 is .002 seconds. No lie. It literally took me almost 4 years to really want another child. The first 2 years I definitely was like NO WAY am I having another one. But then, I wanted him to have a sibling. Sometimes my husband and I look at each at the end of the day and think..."what were we thinking?!" LOL!! But kids truly do make life interesting :) GOOD LUCK!
I do not have a special needs child either so I can only imagine how much harder this decision would be if you did! But I still go back and forth EVERY DAY about wanting another one or not. I thought for sure I always wanted two...but it turns out...I'm kind of happy and satisfied with just Ellie! Although my hubby is so so so ready for baby #2....he's trying to be patient, but as the months creep by, his patience is running out and he is slowly starting to pressure....sigh!
I'm hoping I just get an intuition soon, one way or the other...i just don't know what "feels" right yet! I'd love to hear more about your experience growing up as an only child...I think that's the hardest part for me...knowing we wouldn't give Ellie a sibling...and wondering if that would effect her positively or negatively...or both
♥ Kyna
Our first was born 10 weeks early and it took us about 3 years to decide if we wanted to try again. They also do not know why I went into labor. My body just did. So going into the second pregnancy we knew there would be weeks of bed rest, more appointments, more cervical checks, more ultrasounds, plus the weekly progesterone shots. We went for it and thankfully our daughter was born healthy and full-term. We had a lot of extra help from family and friends at the time and we were so grateful for that.
Now we are expecting #3 (hello surprise baby!) and I am back to taking the shots and all that other fun stuff. Plus Blue Cross does suck b/c that is what we have and we were unable to add maternity coverage since I was already pregnant and we have a 6 month waiting period before we could change our policy as the nice woman explained to me. Jerks.
I'll pray for you because only you two can make that decision and know what is right for your family.
Hi Heather. Not sure if I've ever commented, but I read frequently. My two cents: you might consider looking into the provisions of the Affordable Care Act. Assuming that a large part of the bill will be going into effect in January (I believe), it may be that insurance companies are no longer to charge such hefty premiums for maternity coverage. Obviously that still doesn't make the decision of getting pregnant easier, but might make it a little more affordable! :)
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